Did you know that the term open relationship was first used in 1972 by Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill in their book Open Marriage? That was many decades ago, yet many people still do not understand what it means to be in an open marriage or relationship.
You would think that with time, people should have understood what it means to have an open marriage or an open relationship with one’s spouse. Sadly, it seems that with time, nothing has changed except the dates.
So, if I may, what is the definition of an open relationship? To the average person on the street, it is only about having multiple partners. But you see, that’s not all there is to it. With such understanding, there are bound to be many mishaps. Did you know that it is still possible for people to cheat on each other even after making their relationship open?
This article aims to tell you everything you need to know about open marriages and relationships, the pros and cons of open relationships, how to open your relationship, and much more.
What Is An Open Relationship?
So, what does an open relationship mean? An open relationship is when a couple is okay with seeing other individuals outside their relationship. It is a type of romantic relationship that is primarily a consensual, non-monogamous relationship where two people mutually agree that they are absolutely free to pursue other romantic or sensual relationships while maintaining their commitment to their primary partner.
In other words, they can explore connections outside their primary union. But there are rules to this engagement. Interestingly, another thing about this is that it can take different variations.
If this sounds nice to you but you are unsure if it is what you want or how your partner or family will react, keep reading, and I will help you with some expert advice. At the centre of this discussion is that an open relationship or marriage involves two spouses who agree to explore other options while keeping their primary relationship. If there are rules of engagement, what are they then?
How Do Open Relationships Work?
For those asking, “Do open relationships work?” Yes, open marriages or relationships can work if partners adhere to the core principles governing this type of romantic relationship. The assumption is that dating for open relationships fails more than monogamous ones.
However, the question that disturbs me often is, how do we measure the success of a relationship? Communication, boundaries, mutual consent, respect, and trust are vital elements that make open marriages or relationships successful.
Here are some rules of engagement in open relationships:
- Mutual Consent
This is about both partners being on the same page and understanding each other. In this phase, partners must totally agree to the agreement or arrangement made, and in such times, there is no need to assume your partner is okay with the arrangement. Assumptions are costly, so it is always advised that verbal consent be made.
It is also important not to pressure or manipulate your spouse to accept your offer. If they are uncomfortable about the subject, there is no need to pressure or threaten them to agree. In the end, it might come to haunt you later. So, this should tell you that open relationships cannot work if one partner feels uncomfortable or pressured.
- Communication
In all forms or types of human relationships, adequate communication is vital to the success of that relationship, including romantic relationships. In the previous point, I discussed how dangerous it was to assume. That simply meant that both parties should adequately discuss their feelings with each other and wait for the other person’s response.
Also, beginning the conversation without any preconceived notions would be helpful. This will help you hear things as they are said and not from a place of your biases.
If you want your open relationship to be successful, it will require open and honest communication. For instance, if one partner is not transparent with the other, finding the truth can rupture trust in the relationship. So, spouses should constantly check in with each other to discuss their boundaries, feelings, and experiences with others.
- Boundaries
It would be unwise to think there should be no boundaries in open relationships. Every open relationship has its own unique set of boundaries and rules.
Boundaries help you define what’s off-limits or not. In other words, it is safe to say that they help keep the sanity of the relationship. For example, some couples may agree to engage only in sensual relationships with others, while some might allow romantic relationships or emotional connections only. I must stress that without communication, none of this will be adequately understood or noted.
- Respect
No matter the form of the relationship, taking respect out of the picture will only bring about anarchy. That said, it is advised that spouses respect each other’s feelings, opinions, and boundaries. What brings disagreement or conflict to a relationship? A broken agreement.
Even in open relationships, there is a need for respect. Unfortunately, as I said earlier, breaking any agreement you both had earlier can damage the relationship. So, it is imperative that spouses respect and trust each other.
- Managing Jealousy
Jealousy is a part of the human makeup. However, letting it take over you is undoubtedly not a good idea. That means there must be room for work. If jealousy occurs in any closed relationships, do you think that in open relationships, it will be any easier or different? Certainly not.
In some cases, jealousy is heightened in open relationships. So, if that’s a possibility, it is only reasonable that a system be put in place to help checkmate it entirely or reduce it.
Some ways to manage it are through communication, reassurance, and self-awareness. It is advised that couples should work as a team to talk about their feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
- Prioritise The Primary Relationship
Working with the correct principles will ensure smooth sailing on this journey. On the other hand, not prioritising the primary relationship is a recipe for disaster.
In open relationships, it is advised that spouses continue nurturing their bond, maintain a firm emotional connection, and focus on their primary relationship instead of withdrawing from it.
- Regular Check-ins
It is vital not to neglect regularly checking in with your partner because as relationships evolve, so do people’s emotions. This allows couples to talk about discoveries and make necessary adjustments where needed to ensure no party is aggrieved or left behind.
If both spouses understand and apply these rules, partners will feel happy, and there will be little or no room for inequality.
The Difference Between An Open And A Closed Relationship
We all have our preferences when it comes to relationships. Some people may prefer closed relationships, while others may want the opposite. As I have stated earlier, open love allows both spouses to have romantic spouses openly and have sensual relationships with them. Also, remember that the couples define how open they want their relationship to be.
On the other hand, closed relationships are mainly monogamous. Partners in closed relationships agree to be exclusive. It simply means that exclusivity is a fundamental aspect of such a relationship.
It will interest you to know that closed relationships have rigid and clear boundaries concerning exclusivity. That means spouses do not have any business seeking romantic or sensual interest outside the relationship. Doing that is termed cheating and may rupture the trust in the relationship.
In summary, a closed relationship’s primary focus is maintaining a monogamous relationship, so in areas of communication, boundaries, and exclusivity, the subject remains to protect, focus, and nurture the relationship between both partners instead of having a third party.
The Difference Between An Open Relationship And Polyamory
Polyamory vs. open relationship. The main difference between polyamory and an open relationship is in the dynamics of the relationships formed outside the primary relationship and how intimacy, romantic connections, and emotions are handled.
Polyamory typically involves being in loving relationships with many individuals, with the love part being the essential element, and it always comes before the sensual aspect. In other words, polyamory is about having numerous emotional and romantic connections at the same time, with the approval and knowledge of all the individuals involved.
Interestingly, unlike open relationships, polyamory is not only about exploring sensual freedom. Instead, it is about forming profound, romantic, emotional connections with many people.
For instance, did you know that one can be in a poly relationship with different people they love and not have sensual relations with any of them? Also, one can be in a poly relationship of three people and not have sensual relations outside your triad. It means you can be in a poly relationship yet closed. That act is called polyfidelity.
In summary, an open relationship’s primary focus is on sensual explorations, while polyamory mainly prioritises building different meaningful romantic connections. However, both types of relationships require clear boundaries, open and honest communication, and mutual consent.
Why Do People Seek Open Relationships?
People seek open relationships for different reasons. However, knowing that you can obtain the perfect balance in the right open relationship and still experience sensual and emotional fulfillment will interest you. People’s reasons are often deeply rooted in personal desires, beliefs about love and commitment, and relationship dynamics. Below are some of the most common reasons people pursue open relationships.
- Desire For Sensual Variety
Some people prefer to have multiple partners to satisfy their sensual desires or needs because they feel one partner may not fulfil their needs. So, opening the relationship is suitable for such people instead of cheating on their spouse.
With that, an open relationship gives such individuals the liberty to explore sensual relationships with others while maintaining the bond between them and their primary partner without feeling guilty or ending the relationship due to a cheating scandal.
- Personal Belief in Non-Monogamy
Many people believe that monogamy is not the only valid relationship model. Others also believe that commitment and love should not be confined to one person alone for a lifetime. So, for such people, exploring an open relationship sits well with them.
- Avoiding Cheating
For most people, an open relationship is the best way to avoid cheating on their spouse. So, instead of playing games, both partners may resolve to explore other options while still maintaining their primary relationship with their spouse. Honesty and transparency go a long way to prevent all sorts of mishaps.
- Challenging Traditional Norms
Some people pursue open relationships because they want to challenge societal norms. Therefore, they reject conventional designs that say monogamy is the best way to structure a relationship or the only way. So, by pursuing an open relationship, they welcome different relationship styles and create new definitions of trust, love, and commitment that are in line with their values.
- Avoiding Emotional Dependency
Others seek open relationships to steer clear of being emotionally dependent on their primary spouse. Those in this category believe that depending solely on one spouse for all their romantic and emotional needs is burdensome and creates an unhealthy dynamic. Therefore, by having many relationships, they have the luxury of spreading their emotional needs across more than one person, lowering pressure on any relationship.
How To Know If An Open Relationship Is Right For You
There isn’t a defined pathway to say whether or not an open relationship is right for you. However, the most important is that you and your spouse are on the same page. In other words, both spouses should understand the subject perfectly.
Furthermore, a few questions should be asked, and honest answers should be equally given to avoid misunderstanding. For instance, ask your partner, “Are you curious to see other people?” “Do you still want to maintain this partnership while seeing others?” “How do we manage our feelings or emotions towards each other and the other people?” “How do we manage our time apart?” and “How far is too far?
The above are some examples of questions couples need to ask each other if they are considering opening a relationship. The above questions are thought-provoking and encompass emotional readiness, personal values and beliefs, motivations, time, clear boundaries, and communication.
Nonetheless, it is one thing to ask questions, and it is another to get honest answers. This type of relationship will only work well if both partners are honest and transparent with each other and already have a sound communication system in place.
The truth is that different people feel differently about opening up their relationships. In summary, contemplating whether an open relationship is right for you requires thoughtful self-reflection and honest communication between spouses.
The Pros And Cons Of An Open Relationship
Knowledge is powerful. But what is indeed more powerful than that is what you do with what you know. Having adequate knowledge and understanding of the pros and cons of being involved in an open relationship will help you make more informed decisions. Here are some advantages and disadvantages of opening a relationship.
The Pros Of Open Relationships:
- Heightened communication about needs and wants.
- Pursuing new interests and experiences.
- Liberty to express different sides of yourself.
- Different and exciting sensual experiences.
- There is no pressure for one person to meet all of their spouse’s emotional and sensual interests and needs.
- Your primary relationship could get stronger.
- You get to meet new people.
- You can explore whether or not monogamy is important to you.
The Cons Of Open Relationships:
- The risk of jealousy and issues with self-esteem may arise.
- Risk of emotional pain as your spouse experiences happiness and pleasure with someone else.
- Risk of STIs.
- Risk of unplanned pregnancy.
- Risk of sensual addiction or loss of libido from trying to please many partners.
- Open relationships can be time-consuming.
- They can also be very expensive.
- It can be emotionally draining.
How To Open Your Relationship
In every type of relationship, communication is vital for success. Chatting about what you and your partner are comfortable with and what’s off the table is essential. This will undoubtedly give you a peek into what they have in mind, provided they are honest with their thoughts and responses.
It is worth bearing in mind that there are implications and weights to shifting from a closed to an open relationship. In some cases, some partners are even blindsided when their spouses approach them concerning the matter.
It is also vital to consider their own feelings as the idea may take them aback. Also, it is advisable to hire a non-monogamous coach to help transition from a closed to an open relationship.
Lastly, never cancel out the power of educating yourself and your spouse on the subject. There are books, podcasts, and even excellent articles like this one.
In summary, one needs to assess their motivations, have open and honest conversations, establish boundaries and rules together, research different non-monogamous styles, check in regularly, seek support if need be, and prepare for jealousy and emotional adjustments.
Tips For Discussing An Open Relationship With Your Partner
Open relationship dating can be thrilling and even more challenging when thinking of how to chat with your partner concerning the matter. Because of its sensitivity, it is advised to begin the chat thoughtfully and carefully. Here are a few tips to help you approach the conversation.
- Choose The Right Time And Make Sure You Have Enough Time
Picking a neutral time can’t be overemphasised. So, do well in having the discussion when you both are not stressed. Also, avoiding bringing it up during arguments or in other high-stress situations would be helpful.
- Be Clear About Your Intentions.
Different individuals have different understandings of what an open relationship is. So, be very clear and frame your conversation positively. For instance, you can tell your partner that it is about enhancing the quality of your relationship and not dissatisfaction. This will help set the tone right for things.
- Use “I” Statements
Remember that the goal is not to make your spouse feel bad. Using statements like, “I have been thinking of exploring…” or “I feel like I need to…” is better than saying, “You no longer meet my needs.” The last statement will definitely not go down well with your partner. So, opting for the “I” statement would be better. Also, try to focus on expressing your needs, curiosities, and desires.
- Acknowledge Their Feelings
Do not disregard how your partner feels when you discuss this with them. Chances are they may be shocked, insecure, or even hurt. It is advised that you be patient, give them time to process things, and offer them reassurance.
- Be Open To Compromise
The truth is that your spouse may agree to some terms and not agree to others. In such times, it is advised to meet halfway, precisely where you both feel comfortable, respected, and secure.
Additionally, you can schedule a follow-up conversation, but be prepared for rejection, suggest research together, invite their input, explain the benefits, and emphasise the need for honesty and trust.
How To Talk About Your Open Relationship With Your Family
If you and your spouse have decided to open up your relationship, things can get a bit dicey when discussing this with your family. And the singular reason is that many people do not have adequate knowledge of the subject. However, if you both choose not to disclose the new status of your relationship to them, there won’t be any cause for alarm.
If you still want to tell them, preparing their minds and yours will help smoothen the entire process. I have realised that approaching such sensitive matters requires honesty and clear communication.
Below are a few tips to follow:
- Asses their openness.
- Guage their readiness.
- Choose the right time.
- Frame the conversation thoughtfully.
- Focus on the core of the relationship.
- Explain your perspective.
- Be ready for questions.
- Set boundaries for the discussion.
- Acknowledge their concerns.
- Emphasise that it is your choice.
- Give them time to process things.
- Respect their reactions.
- Consider selective disclosure.
What To Do If Your Open Relationship Is Not Working
It is not unusual for open relationships not to work, and some do not work for reasons like jealousy. So, if yours isn’t working, you might need to ask yourself and your partner some tough questions, and that may mean you both may get to make some hard decisions.
If your open relationship isn’t working fine as it should, it is vital to address the challenges early. Below is a guide on what to do:
- Acknowledge the problems.
- Have an open and honest conversation.
- Evaluate your boundaries and rules.
- Address emotional needs
- Seek professional help
- Take a break if need be.
- Talk about jealousy and insecurity
- Reassess the open relationship model
- Consider closing the relationship.
- Focus on rebuilding trust.
- Know when to walk away.
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